Don’t get me wrong, I like Halloween, Christmas and Arbor Day just as much as the next guy, but let’s be honest, most holidays suffer from certain “problems”. Thanksgiving is gloriously free of most of them, so it ends up being the best. If you would like to be convinced, here is my reasoning….
1. No Gifts Yes it is better to give than recieve, but being forced via guilt & tradition, to give gifts to your family, extended family, friends, co-workers, boss, and various charitable organizations year after year can be a bit much. Besides, we all know our consumer-driven economy is not based on oil, the way everyone thinks it, but on Christmas shopping and the summer movie season. So if we don’t buy presents we are going will destabilize the economy and ruin our country if not the entire globe. There is not a single person in the industrialized world over the age of 25 who has not had the experience of shopping all day, surrounded by decorations, lights, and music all designed to put you in a festive spending mood, only to come home and have some dour-faced jerk on the news channel of your choice tell you that “consumer spending is down and the shopping season looks bleak” Really… bleak…there goes my Merry Christmas. So it is blissfully nice, to not have to worry about all that heading into the 4th week of November.
2. No Music Do I really need to hear Springsteen sing ‘Santa Claus is Coming to T’own again? Love you Bruce, but… no. And for God sakes who has not put out a Christmas Album with “thier versions” of “beloved Christmas Classics”? Bob Dylan? John Waters? Afroman’s a Colt 45 Christmas? Really? Yeah…Really.We all love Christmas music, but at times it can be like Grandma’s perfume in an elevator, just a bit too much.
3. No Decorations Again, love the lights as long as I am not the one putting them up. But come on people. The tinsel, the stockings, the fuzzy sweaters (I know those are not decorations, but they seem like it to me.) Also red and green are seriously contrasting colors. Polar opposites on the color wheel and when they are together they kind of hurt my eyes. Think I am joking? Imagine a stop sign with green letters. Thanksgiving? What? A few pumkins and cornucopias (yes I did look up the plural of that online, sue me.) Plus the colors are yellow, orange and brown, all complementary. Ahhhhhh.
4. No Cards Oh I know Hallmark has the section and some people do it, but it certainly is not obligatory. And when you think about it, this is kind of a two-for-one since so many Christmas cards have family pictures on them and we all know how wonderful some of those are….
5. No Religion Before you call me an socialist communist liberal America-hating anti-christian, let me explain. I am a Christian. I like Christmas. What I do not like is all the religious arguing and score settling that comes out at Christmas. “Your Nativity Scene on your church’s front lawn is ruining my (insert other religious holiday or sanctimonious political belief here.)” It is tiring. Christmas used to be the one day no one nitpicked and forgave each other. Not anymore. But Thanksgiving was originally a bunch of Puritans eating lunch with their new “Heathen Indian Friends” and all they did was eat and be thankful! The equal opportunity atmosphere was built into the holiday right from the beginning! Even athiests usually have something to be thankful for and everyone likes food! Which brings me to. Oh and before you pagans go off and point out my ‘hypocrasy’ because the cornucopia is a pagan symbol, let me just point out that the symbolism is mosty unknown and therefore lost on everyone. Think I am wrong? Well all of our weekdays are named after Norse gods, but I have haven’t seen any protesting outside of Thor’s temple recently….
Numbers 6-9 FOOD! I am lumping these together basically because I am a lazy writer, but let’s all be real honest, from the snacks, sides, main dishes and desserts (that’s four!), Thanksgiving dinners are SCRUMTULESCENT!! (See! Will Farrell is good for something…) Thanksgiving shamelessly grabs the best of both Halloween and Christmas,turkey and pumpkin pie, Ham and apple pie, pheasant and bowls of candy corn (What? not at your house?) and puts them all on the same table. I have been to some good Christmas dinners, but they pale in comparison. I once went to one dinner with less than 30 people that had two different flavored turkeys (mmmmm cajun spice turkey) AND a Ham! The food covered the dining room table so thoroughly, we literally had to eat on the porch. Besides at Christmas, you have to deal with kids racing through the food like meth-fueled monkeys and then bugging the adults every 30 seconds with “CAN WE OPEN THE PRESENTS NOW PLEEZE PLEEZE PLEEEEEEEZE!!” NOOOOOOOO! Now SHUT UP and let daddy finish his ambrosia and Oreo Pie!!!!!” Gah!
10. Football Football on a Thursday afternoon? That is the best idea since…well football on a Thursday afternoon. Really I am not sure there has been a better idea since that started. Maybe computers, or that whole landing on the moon thing. Maybe recycling, I heard that is good. But football, or for that matter any sport on a Thursday is fine with me. I am not picky. To all of our friends in …ah well, the entire planet outside of America, you could all watch soccer if you like, or hockey, or Sumo wrestling. Whatever floats your boat is fine with me. The point is on Thanksgiving, you can gorge yourself senseless, watch your favorite sport and , best of all, fall asleep on the couch. This is acceptable, expected, and awesome. Special thanks goes out to the chemical L-tryptophan which naturally occurs in Turkey and, combined with a high carbohydrate meal, creates a sleep induced coma that could stop an L.A. rave cold.
Honorable Mention - The Thanksgiving Day Parade Actually sitting and watching this is even more boring than watching paint dry..in the House of Representatives… in the Committee of Energy and Commerce…during a subcomittee meeting on the topic of domestic policy…with guest speaker Joe Leiberman…. on C-span. I may be in a coma after just typing that. BUT!! It is colorful and since most Americans now have flat TV’s hanging on thier walls in their great rooms within view of the dinner table, it sure is nice of NBC to put that big slow moving slide show on the the wall. Makes a nice backdrop during dessert. Thank YOU giant inflatable Snoopy!
Finally…On the down side… there is the ridiculous caloric intake followed by over a month of Christmas parties and cakes. I don’t care what all those health websites promise you. Read my text. YOUR WAISTLINE IS DOOMED! Do not even talk to me about situps and all that when there is a slice of chocolate bourbon pecan pie sitting in front of me. You may as well be speaking in swahili because I can hear you over the sound of sugar. But since over 70% of Americans are overwieght and the rest of the planet is slowly adopting our eating habits, relax…you are in good company.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
